Mandy is a member of our Siblings Group and in this post she remembers her brother Paul, 20 years after his death.

I have been staring at this blank page trying to find the words to express my feelings as we approach the 20th anniversary of your death.  The 2nd of March 2005 was supposed to be a day like any other, however, for my family and me, it was the day we had to comprehend the unimaginable pain of knowing you had been killed.  You had been driving home when a lorry pulled out onto the wrong side of the road and hit your Ford Focus.  We were told you had died at the scene.

20 years on, I still remember the overwhelming horror of watching my parents crumble to the floor in the morgue when they pulled back the curtain to see you lying on the slab.

You had faced so many challenges in your life.  You were born with Spina Bifida, and on your first day you were whisked away for your first of many operations.  You spent a lot of your childhood in and out of hospital, but your shining character always shone through.

I remember travelling from Folkestone to Dover with Mum to let our nan know what had happened. I was horrified to see that the world had kept turning.  People were going to work, kids were on their way to school… but for us our world had been turned upside down.

We were (and always will be) very close, but we had our spats, like all siblings.  I remember being asked when I was 8 years old who my hero was, along with my other classmates.  Some said Kevin Keegan, and others said Neil Armstrong.  My response was clear, my hero was my brother Paul.  You always saw the best in people.  You never let your challenges define you.

Your friends knew you as Hawk, but I am not sure if everyone knew why that was.  As a kid, you loved American wrestling, and your favourite tag team was the Legion of Doom.  The 3 of us, you, our older brother Mick and I, would play-fight, and you would always be ‘Hawk’ from the Legion of Doom.

I remember when you were about 16 you dressed up as Santa and got mum to buy some sweets; you then went through the town’s high street and dished out some Christmas cheer to the kids, just to put smiles on kids’ faces.

You worked 2 jobs, one working full-time for the Ministry of Defence, managing the post room at Shorncliffe Barracks, and the other working part-time at a Sainsburys petrol station.  You had a great social life and many friends.  One of my proudest moments was when we walked into the church for your funeral to see over 1000 people there. Work colleagues from the MOD and Sainsburys and all your friends whose lives you had touched.  You touched so many lives.

As a sister and daughter, I just did not know how to handle my grief.  I was angry because your life was taken from us.  Although the driver pleaded guilty to causing death by dangerous driving, he was sentenced to only 18 months. He was released at the end of November that same year after serving just 9 months. I have reached a place of peace, as I know the driver did not deliberately try to kill you. He made a very poor choice that ended in your death. But this took a while to get to, through the help of counselling and a lot of self-reflection.

Parents should never have to lose a child, but as a sibling, I felt like the forgotten one.  20 years on I still miss you so much, but as they say, a heart cannot be broken unless it is/was loved. I did and do love you so much.

Grief is not defined by time. Those who dare say, “You should be over this by now” have been lucky not to have experienced this type of trauma and grief.  I have days when I am constantly reminded and triggered by my grief.  I have no control over this, but that is ok. I would never want to be in a place where I forget you.

Your death left a significant void in our lives, and also the world.  There are so many people who would be benefitting from your generosity and kindness.  So, I made it my mission to try to help as many people as I can, to honour your memory.  I will continue to do this until the day I take my last breath and I get to see you again.

This past 12 months have been a challenge for me, having been diagnosed, treated and cured of cancer.  Being faced with the potential of death makes you review your life and those you have lost.  Thankfully I am Cancer Free and I am now in a position to start a new, more positive, chapter in my life.

I have benefitted so much from being part of the RoadPeace Siblings Support Group, facilitated by Lucy Harrison.  The group has become my ‘safe space’ for expressing my grief and how I feel. We laugh, we cry and we support each other.  Most importantly, we understand each other. I will be forever grateful to everyone in the group for having such a positive impact on my life.

In the last 20 years, you (and I) now have twin nephews. They are now 15 and make us all proud every day. We lost our mum in 2017, but I am sure you are embracing her as I am typing this and will always look over all of us every day.

Paul, I love you deeply and will be forever fortunate that I can call you my brother.

Love always Mandy Waghorne xxx

Updated on: 25 February 2025